Uncensored English conversation: Farts (part 1)
Posted on April 29, 2007
Filed under Bodily functions, Listening, Upper intermediate |
Download English lesson podcast and transcript
Barking spiders and stepping frogs: the vocabulary of farting
Hi! Lori here, welcoming you to another episode of Uncensored English. Today my British friend Michael and I discuss farts and farting, a topic that we think is very funny. Unfortunately, some of you might find it completely disgusting, so if you think farts are gross, please don’t listen past this point.
In this first audio file we have a conversation about farts, and in part 2 we discuss vocabulary, idioms and slang related to farting and present you with some interesting fart facts.
We hope you’ll be blown away by this funny-yet-disgusting topic.
Michael: In the old days, OK, before the internet
Lori: Uh huh?
Michael: Let’s take something like a dictionary. Do you remember the first time that you picked up a dictionary?
Lori: A paper dictionary?
Michael: Yeah, a paper dictionary, what did you look up?
Lori: You know, actually I can remember being back in the third grade and looking up…trying to look up the naughty words.
Michael: Exactly! I knew that you were going to say that…
Lori: Yeah.
Michael: Because that’s what people do, because when you’re a kid…
Lori: But I don’t think it was the first thing I ever looked up in a dictionary. I already knew how to use the dictionary.
Michael: OK.
Lori: This was like, back in second or third grade.
Michael: Well perhaps the first time that you were allowed to use a dictionary…umm…whilst being…without being observed…you know, unsupervised use of the dictionary and you look up rude words.
Lori: Yeah.
Michael: And I think that looking at pornography and things like that on the internet is just the logical extension to looking up rude words in a dictionary.
Lori: Oh sure.
Michael: I think it’s in people’s…I think it’s in people’s nature to look for naughty things!
Lori: Well maybe people like me who are looking it up out of curiosity…umm…but it’s not…I mean ever since then, and this…I’m not just being a prude or anything, it just doesn’t interest me — porn.
Michael: No, that’s fair enough, yeah.
Lori: Umm…But I can…back to dictionaries, I can remember, it’s funny I can picture the classroom and everything and it was the word “fart.”
[laughter]
Lori: And I looked up the word fart and I think that was one of the only naughty words that was in my little school…the dictionaries we had at school. And I can still remember the definition was something like, “expulsion of intestinal gas through the anus.”
[laughter]
Lori: Or something like that!
Michael: Oh my goodness!
Lori: Funny! I think this is going to be one for Uncensored English!
Michael: Could well be! Are you sure you don’t have some British…err…blood in you? All this humour of the toilet?
Lori: [Feigning a German accent] Oh ze humour of ze toilet!
Michael: Ze humour of ze toilet!
Lori: The basis of your entire culture!
[laughter]
Lori: Yeah, well are British people really into toilet humour?
Michael: Of course we are. We are.
Lori: Really?
Michael: Yes! Oh yeah! There’s nothing — to us, there’s nothing funnier than farts and bottom jokes and things like that — yeah!
Lori: But farts are funny!
Michael: Of course they are! Course they are!
Lori: I mean, seriously, I mean they can be completely disgusting, but they’re so funny too!
Michael: Oh but, there’s so many different types, you know?
Lori: And the funny noises!
Michael: Absolutely…absolutely. I mean, I used to have a friend that I worked with, who…who could umm…adjust the pitch of his farts.
Lori: No way! At will?
Michael: Yeah, oh yeah! And he would…I’m not sure whether he could fart the national anthem or anything like that, but…
[laughter]
Michael: But no, he would…he would let one…let one rip and then would umm, you know would actually change the pitch of it towards the end.
Lori: No!
Michael: He must have had incredible sphincter control!
Lori: Oh my God! Oh this is, we’re getting into truly tasteless uh…territory.
Michael: Well…
Lori: But have you ever seen…I can’t remember the guy’s name, I think it was “Le Petomane”
Michael: Le Petomane, yes!
Lori: Yeah, have you ever seen his little show?
Michael: Right well…well he could actually fart the national anthem, didn’t he? That was his thing.
Lori: And I remember at some point, this was years ago, I was watching uhh…Robert Ashberg’s show on channel 3 here in Sweden, and channel 3 in Sweden is like, the lowest common denominator channel.
Michael: OK.
Lori: You know, that shows the Jerry Springer and the really horrible, like…
Michael: Oh classy!
Lori: Yeah shows like, all the lowest of the low type shows and lots of commercials and things. But this guy had some “fartiste.”
Michael: Fartiste!
[laughter]
Lori: I can’t remember…I can’t remember who it was, but he was dressed in this bright blue unitard…
Michael: Oh no!
Lori: And he got up on the table on all fours and he was doing his you know, his “fart art” and he had somehow injected some kind of powder up there, so when he was…you know, doing his thing, this like powdery smoke was coming out and it was like the most…I don’t know, strange surreal weird thing that I’ve ever seen on TV!
Michael: I’m speechless, I really am. What can you say?
Lori: I wish I could remember who it…who it was, but yeah that was definitely truly tasteless.
Michael: Maybe we could google it?
Lori: Oh I’m sure if we googled “fartistes” or something, we would find it.
Michael: Right.
Lori: Oh my god, yeah.
Michael: That’s pretty wild.
Lori: What do we say after that?
Michael: I don’t know, I think that’s uh…
Lori: I think this might be a good place to stop!
Michael: OK, I’m with you!
Lori: I mean it’s only going to go downhill from here!
Michael: Yeah, quit while we’re ahead, or not so far behind!
Lori: OK.
Final words
Thanks for listening! Be sure to listen to part 2 in which Michael and I walk you through lots of vocabulary related to farts and farting. Part two also contains a learning guide with vocabulary, bonus links and other notes, so be sure to visit the website, www.uncensoredenglish.com, and download the pdf. You can e-mail us at uncensored [AT] betteratenglish [DOT] com. And remember, your continued donations make our show possible, and we really appreciate your support.
Bonus links
Le Petomane
Mr. Methane
Your continued donations keep Uncensored English free!
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4 Responses to “Uncensored English conversation: Farts (part 1)”
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OMG, my friend, you are hilarious. I love the way you speak of farts so seriously. LOVE IT!
lols, great funny show, thanks for the podcast to you Lori and Michael!
Someone please pick me up …
I think cutting the cheese comes from the gas produced by the bacteria in the cheese. That’s also where the holes come from.