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This podcast covers the phrase to kick (someone’s / something’s) ass and kick-ass as an adjective. First we need to talk about the ass part. It can refer to a real ass (butt or bum), but usually the ass is metaphorical. That is, it’s not a question of a real-world, physical ass; the ass stands for something else. In fact, all usages of kick ass that don’t involve a physical foot connecting to a physical ass are metaphorical figures of speech.

For example, “We got our ass(es) kicked in the football game last night” means “The other team beat us by a good margin.” It’s unlikely that any team member’s ass actually had contact with a foot.

The expression kick ass is used as an adjective and in verb phrases. First we’ll look at the verbs.

Transitive use of kick ass in verb phrases

Madonna would totally kick Britney’s ass.

To kick someone’s/something’s ass = to punish someone using physical force, or to beat them in a physical fight.

Examples
1. In a fight, Madonna would totally kick Britney’s ass.
2. If they got in a fight, Britney would get her ass kicked by Madonna.
3. Linda Hamilton might kick Madonna’s ass if they got in a fight.
4. If you steal my chocolate, I’ll kick your ass!
5. I’m not sure if I feel sorry for Paris Hilton, or if I want to kick her ass.

If something kicks your ass, it can mean that it defeats you or causes you great difficulty. It doesn’t have to be a person.

Examples
6. The TOEFL test totally kicked my ass; it was much harder than I thought.
7. My first marathon totally kicked my ass, but at least I made it to the finish line.

Intransitive* use of kick ass in verb phrases
To kick ass = to win, to succeed, to perform well, to be very good at something, to be superior to others. It’s synonymous with other slang expressions like “to rule” or “to own.”

Examples
8. Britney sucks, but Madonna kicks ass!
9. Madonna kicked ass at the concert last night.
10. Google kicks ass for quick’n'dirty language research.
11. Thanks to Better at English, my English kicks ass!
12. A: “Are you ready to climb Mt. Everest?” B: “Yeah, let’s go kick ass!”

The intransitive use of kick ass can also mean “to fight,” “to physically beat someone,” or “to beat someone up.”

Example
13. I’m in the mood for a fight. Let’s go kick some ass.

Kick ass used as an adjective
Adjective = excellent, superior, exciting, fun, impressive (or other adjectives denoting strong approval or positive qualities)
kick-ass (or kickass)

Examples
14. That was a kick-ass party last night.
15. Rammstein put on the most kick-ass concert I’ve ever seen.
16. If you want to see some truly kick-ass presentation videos, go to the TED talks website.

Variations
In verb phrases you can substitute the word butt for ass. For example, “My new dictionary totally kicks butt.” But it’s very unusual to use “kick butt” as an adjective.

Examples
I bought a kick-butt new dictionary.
I bought a kick-ass new dictionary.

Social register and appropriateness
Finally, kick-ass is a fairly harmless informal expression (about on the same level as damn or hell), but not everyone is as liberal as Lori is when it comes to swear words. So you should be careful about how you use it. You shouldn’t use it in formal situations or among people who you know disapprove of slang and swear words.

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Barking spiders and stepping frogs: the vocabulary of farting

Hi Lori here welcoming you to part two of our episode on farts and farting, from uncensoredenglish.com. In part two, Michael and I discuss vocabulary, slang and even some phrasal verbs — all to do with farts. If you go to the uncensoredenglish.com website, you’ll find a learning guide with all the vocabulary and other points that we take up in this podcast, plus bonus links and references.

OK, fasten your seat belts — here we go!

Noun
Vulgar: fart
Informal euphemisms: trump, barking spiders, toot, wind
Medical: flatus, flatulence

Verb phrases
Vulgar: to fart, to let one rip, to let one go, to cut the cheese, let of a blanket ripper (For real fun, Google: fart dutch oven)
Euphemism: to step on a frog (as in, “Oops, I stepped on a frog!”
Polite: to break wind, to pass gas

Vulgar euphemisms
to play the ass trombone

phrasal verbs (all mean to waste time, to fool around, to goof off)
to fart about
to fart around
to fart off
to fart-arse about

Idioms
a fart in a gale = hopeless, useless.
Example: “You’ve got as much chance of becoming a multi-billionaire as a fart in a gale.”

a brain fart = doing something uncharacteristically stupid or inept (because your brain wasn’t working); not being able to think of something that should be obvious (tip-of-the-tongue phenomenon).
Example: “My English totally sucks today; I must be having a brain fart.”

More fart idioms and slang
See this huge list of fart idioms and slang.

Fart facts

Etymology
The word fart is thought to descend from Anglo-Saxon feortan or feortian (Wikipedia)

What are farts?

Farts contain gases such as nitrogen, carbon dioxide, methane, hydrogen, oxygen, and hydrogen sulphide. These gases are produced by bacteria that live in the digestive system and break down food into nutrients that the body can absorb.

The distinctive stink of farts comes from compounds such as skatole, indole, hydrogen sulfide, short-chain fatty acids, and volatile amines. Humans can detect these stinky compounds in concentrations of one part per 100 million!

Fart makers

What you eat has great influence on how much gas your body produces. Some items are notorious for their effects:

• Beans, lentils and other legumes; cauliflower, broccoli, cabbage and other cruciferous vegetables.
• Garlic and onions.
• Bread and beer can lead to gases as well, particularly if you switch to a different brand.
• Antibiotics that kill the bacteria in your stomach.

Sulphur-rich foods (predominantly cauliflower, eggs and meat) make stinky gas. The vegetables mentioned above contain some kinds of carbohydrates which the human digestion system cannot handle properly. In general, a high fiber diet is considered healthful. However, farts are an undesirable side-effect of diets rich in vegetables, legumes and fiber.

How much do we fart?

It’s normal to fart 12 - 40 times per day, emitting between 0.5 and two liters of gas. You should only worry if you fart significantly more than this.
Record farting frequency: 145 farts in 24 hours, 83 farts in 4 hours.
Animals account for 20 to 30% of the methane in the earth’s atmosphere (burping and farting). Humans account for less than 5%.

Fart busters

• Reduce carbohydrates in your diet.
• Go for a walk. It stimulates digestion and “gets things moving.” Just make sure to look behind you before you let rip.
• Use foods such as fennel (infusion or seeds), aniseed, peppermint, coriander or chamomile. Ginger after meals is also supposed to help.

Better out than in

It’s tempting to hold in your farts to avoid embarrassment in social settings. But if you hold your farts in for too long, the gas can be absorbed in the blood stream and then exhaled as a bad breath (Wikipedia). If possible, you should find a discreet location to relieve yourself. If you can’t step outside of find another room, you can try “blaming the dog” if there is a dog handy.

Fart etiquette

In the middle ages, loudly breaking wind and belching after meals were considered a sign that you had enjoyed the meal, a way of complimenting you host. This is not the case today in most western culture.

• In polite company, gentlemen always take the blame for ladies. Don’t ask why, just do it.
• Blame the dog if there is one around.
• If there is no dog, then blame the non-existent one while laughing as if to make a joke of it. If your emission was not too pungent, this tactic can really liven up a dull party. (Thanks to Mr. Manners for this tip)
• Breaking wind in an elevator (lift) is sadistically evil. There is no escape for the hapless victims, and
  Steer clear of notoriously windy foods well before important social occasions.
• If someone stretches out their hand and asks you to pull their finger, they are about to fart. This is a juvenile trick much enjoyed by college students.
• If everything else fails and everybody is staring at you, try turning your mishap into an achievement: put on a proud face, execute the YES! victory gesture, and challenge your companions to beat you with an even louder/smellier one.

Even if you loosed a “silent but deadly,” don’t attempt to blame anyone else in your surroundings. You can sometimes get away with feigning innocence, but you must restrain from asking questions such as “Ooh, who stepped on a frog?” Because everybody knows that whoever smelt it, dealt it, or whoever denied it, supplied it. The obvious response to this is of course, the one who said the rhyme did the crime. (Adapted from http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A673508 )

References and further reading
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fart
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A673508 (Hilarious and informative! )
http://www.garlicseedfoundation.info/tail_winds.htm
http://www.smellypoop.com/farts.html
Mr Manners on the etiquette of passing gas

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Barking spiders and stepping frogs: the vocabulary of farting
Hi! Lori here, welcoming you to another episode of Uncensored English. Today my British friend Michael and I discuss farts and farting, a topic that we think is very funny. Unfortunately, some of you might find it completely disgusting, so if you think farts are gross, please don’t listen past this point.

In this first audio file we have a conversation about farts, and in part 2 we discuss vocabulary, idioms and slang related to farting and present you with some interesting fart facts.

We hope you’ll be blown away by this funny-yet-disgusting topic.

Michael: In the old days, OK, before the internet
Lori: Uh huh?
Michael: Let’s take something like a dictionary. Do you remember the first time that you picked up a dictionary?
Lori: A paper dictionary?
Michael: Yeah, a paper dictionary, what did you look up?
Lori: You know, actually I can remember being back in the third grade and looking up…trying to look up the naughty words.
Michael: Exactly! I knew that you were going to say that…
Lori: Yeah.
Michael: Because that’s what people do, because when you’re a kid…
Lori: But I don’t think it was the first thing I ever looked up in a dictionary. I already knew how to use the dictionary.
Michael: OK.
Lori: This was like, back in second or third grade.
Michael: Well perhaps the first time that you were allowed to use a dictionary…umm…whilst being…without being observed…you know, unsupervised use of the dictionary and you look up rude words.
Lori: Yeah.
Michael: And I think that looking at pornography and things like that on the internet is just the logical extension to looking up rude words in a dictionary.
Lori: Oh sure.
Michael: I think it’s in people’s…I think it’s in people’s nature to look for naughty things!
Lori: Well maybe people like me who are looking it up out of curiosity…umm…but it’s not…I mean ever since then, and this…I’m not just being a prude or anything, it just doesn’t interest me — porn.
Michael: No, that’s fair enough, yeah.
Lori: Umm…But I can…back to dictionaries, I can remember, it’s funny I can picture the classroom and everything and it was the word “fart.”
[laughter]
Lori: And I looked up the word fart and I think that was one of the only naughty words that was in my little school…the dictionaries we had at school. And I can still remember the definition was something like, “expulsion of intestinal gas through the anus.”
[laughter]
Lori: Or something like that!
Michael: Oh my goodness!
Lori: Funny! I think this is going to be one for Uncensored English!
Michael: Could well be! Are you sure you don’t have some British…err…blood in you? All this humour of the toilet?
Lori: [Feigning a German accent] Oh ze humour of ze toilet!
Michael: Ze humour of ze toilet!
Lori: The basis of your entire culture!
[laughter]
Lori: Yeah, well are British people really into toilet humour?
Michael: Of course we are. We are.
Lori: Really?
Michael: Yes! Oh yeah! There’s nothing — to us, there’s nothing funnier than farts and bottom jokes and things like that — yeah!
Lori: But farts are funny!
Michael: Of course they are! Course they are!
Lori: I mean, seriously, I mean they can be completely disgusting, but they’re so funny too!

Michael: Oh but, there’s so many different types, you know?
Lori: And the funny noises!
Michael: Absolutely…absolutely. I mean, I used to have a friend that I worked with, who…who could umm…adjust the pitch of his farts.
Lori: No way! At will?
Michael: Yeah, oh yeah! And he would…I’m not sure whether he could fart the national anthem or anything like that, but…
[laughter]
Michael: But no, he would…he would let one…let one rip and then would umm, you know would actually change the pitch of it towards the end.
Lori: No!
Michael: He must have had incredible sphincter control!
Lori: Oh my God! Oh this is, we’re getting into truly tasteless uh…territory.
Michael: Well…
Lori: But have you ever seen…I can’t remember the guy’s name, I think it was “Le Petomane”
Michael: Le Petomane, yes!
Lori: Yeah, have you ever seen his little show?
Michael: Right well…well he could actually fart the national anthem, didn’t he? That was his thing.
Lori: And I remember at some point, this was years ago, I was watching uhh…Robert Ashberg’s show on channel 3 here in Sweden, and channel 3 in Sweden is like, the lowest common denominator channel.
Michael: OK.
Lori: You know, that shows the Jerry Springer and the really horrible, like…
Michael: Oh classy!
Lori: Yeah shows like, all the lowest of the low type shows and lots of commercials and things. But this guy had some “fartiste.”
Michael: Fartiste!
[laughter]
Lori: I can’t remember…I can’t remember who it was, but he was dressed in this bright blue unitard…
Michael: Oh no!
Lori: And he got up on the table on all fours and he was doing his you know, his “fart art” and he had somehow injected some kind of powder up there, so when he was…you know, doing his thing, this like powdery smoke was coming out and it was like the most…I don’t know, strange surreal weird thing that I’ve ever seen on TV!
Michael: I’m speechless, I really am. What can you say?
Lori: I wish I could remember who it…who it was, but yeah that was definitely truly tasteless.
Michael: Maybe we could google it?
Lori: Oh I’m sure if we googled “fartistes” or something, we would find it.
Michael: Right.
Lori: Oh my god, yeah.
Michael: That’s pretty wild.
Lori: What do we say after that?
Michael: I don’t know, I think that’s uh…
Lori: I think this might be a good place to stop!
Michael: OK, I’m with you!
Lori: I mean it’s only going to go downhill from here!
Michael: Yeah, quit while we’re ahead, or not so far behind!
Lori: OK.

Final words
Thanks for listening! Be sure to listen to part 2 in which Michael and I walk you through lots of vocabulary related to farts and farting. Part two also contains a learning guide with vocabulary, bonus links and other notes, so be sure to visit the website, www.uncensoredenglish.com, and download the pdf. You can e-mail us at uncensored [AT] betteratenglish [DOT] com. And remember, your continued donations make our show possible, and we really appreciate your support.

Bonus links
Le Petomane
Mr. Methane

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Informal ways to express irritation, frustration and difficulty

Noun phrases
Pain in the neck (Am E. Br.E ): /rear/ass/bum (Br.E)/butt (Am.E) : describing anything tedious, difficult, annoying or irritating. Also used to describe people who are annoying, irritating or difficult to deal with:

My boss is a real pain in the ass (neck/butt/rear); he’s constantly complaining about my work, but he won’t tell me how to improve it.

You can also omit the body part, and just call something a pain. This usage often collocates with the intensifying adjective royal.

Setting the time and date on my DVD recorder is a royal pain; the instructions are complete gibberish!

Ball ache (Br. E) is used to talk about something annoying or tedious, usually that you don’t want to do.

I love my dog, but having to walk him in all weathers is a real ball ache.

Bitch is used to talk about something very difficult to do. Often used with intensifying adjectives such as real, total.

My driving test was a real bitch, but I passed on my third try.

I spilt red wine on my shirt, and it was a real bitch to get it out.

Bitch is also used to denote something generally annoying or unpleasant:

The Swedish summers are beautiful except for the mosquitoes; they’re a real bitch!

Bitch is also used to denote women who are perceived as acting in an unpleasant manner. This usage often collocates with the intensifying adjective fucking.

My ex-wife is a fucking bitch, she tells my children terrible things about me that aren’t true.

The following saying gets its humor from playing on both senses of the noun bitch:

Life’s a bitch, then you marry one.

I.e., Life is a bitch (difficult), then you marry one (an unpleasant woman).

Verb phrases

All of the idiomatic verb phrases below are used to talk about feeling annoyed, frustrated, irritated, or even angry.

It gets on my tits (Br. E)

That awful song my neighbor plays totally gets on my tits. If I hear it one more time, I will scream!

It gets on my nerves

My office chair squeaks every time I make the slightest move; the squeaky sound is really getting on my nerves.

It pisses me off (both)

We have to get a cordless phone, because constantly tripping over the phone cord totally pisses me off.

It tees me off
This is a clean variation of to piss sb off.

It drives me crazy

The new guy at work is always picking his nose when he thinks nobody’s looking. It’s driving me crazy because it’s so disgusting.

*sb= somebody; sb’s=somebody’s

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Introduction

Hello and welcome to Uncensored English! Uncensored English is an English learning podcast that teaches you the edgier side of the English language. My name is Lori, and I am the naughty person in charge of the show. At Uncensored English, we believe that mastery of a foreign language includes understanding its off-color, grittier side. And that’s what we aim to help you with.

Each episode of Uncensored English gives you two audio files to listen to. The first is an unscripted, natural conversation between native speakers, which provides natural examples of some of the vocabulary. This part is transcribed, and the transcription is available on the website.

In the second part, we present and discuss some related vocabulary, and give example sentences illustrating how it can be used. The vocabulary section is not transcribed, but we do give you show notes with all the important vocabulary and notes about usage.

Finally, before you listen, a warning: if you are offended by vulgar language or conversation topics, you should NOT listen to Uncensored English. And even if you are NOT offended by vulgar language, make sure to listen on headphones if you are in a public place or at work so that you don’t disturb people around you.

Are you ready?

Here we go with part 1: What pisses you off?

Conversation transcript

Lori: Are there any things that just really piss you off?

Michael: Would you like a list? There are many!

[laughter]

M: Err, no seriously, let me think…Yes the…something that I thought of today, when I was out walking the dog…umm…is when people let their dogs crap on the pavement.

L: Ahh.

M: This is something, you know I mean it…it’s disgusting, I always take a little bag with my doggie to clean up his mess, umm…and I think you can be fined if you let your dog take a dump on the pavement and there are special bins there for putting the mess into it but for whatever reason, some people, they just can’t be bothered or whatever, and it…it’s disgusting.

L: Yeah, I agree we have that same problem here in Sweden.

M: OK.

L: Except people are generally pretty good about, but even so, every now and then, you’ll see someone just not picking up after their dog…

M: Right, right and that’s…

L: …and it’s the same thing, they have special receptacles for putting the dog poo in.

M: right yeah, I’ve seen them, yeah that’s…

L: yeah, but you know, speaking of people not doing the right thing,

M: Mmm?

L: Ano– one thing that really, really makes me angry…it’s totally irrational but still it makes me…

M: OK

L: …really pisses me off, is when smokers stand right next to the ashtrays that are put outside of buildings…

M: Yeah?

L: and instead of putting their cigarettes in the ashtrays when they’re finished, they just throw them on the ground and step on them.

M: Even though there is an ashtray provided…

L: Even thought there’s an ashtray right there — and they’re big ashtrays because here in Sweden, you’re not allowed to smoke inside public buildings, so the smokers all congregate outside the entrance…

M: Aah

L: ..and smoke before going in, and there’s almost always these big ashtrays there for them to put their cigarette butts in…

M: Yeah

L: …but around the edges of these ashtrays, you always see tons and tons and tons of cigarette butts.

M: Oh yeah, that’s weird, I’ve…I’ve seen that…

L: Yeah

M: …with the little cigarette butts all in a…a pile on the floor around it, right, OK.

L: Yeah and I just…I don’t get that at all, why they do that.

M: No

L: And it’s so ugly and offensive looking, and smelly, that I…I just really don’t understand.

M: OK, OK

L: So that really pisses me off when I see that.

M: Right

L: OK

M: I thought of another one, umm…this is something…umm that I’ve realized over…I’ve known so many people who do this…umm. Do you know when you’re telling somebody a little…perhaps a little story or an anecdote that you think someone might find interesting, such as…errr…umm…let’s see… “When I went on holiday to Greece last year, the weather was 35 degrees,” and you’re telling them how hot it was, and rather than them responding with something like, “oh really? That’s interesting,” they have to respond by telling you that either they went somewhere where it was hotter than what you experienced, or if they didn’t do it themselves, they knew someone else, who did.

L: Right

M: You know, like, “My uncle Joe’s friend went to Zanzibar, where it was 40 degrees in the shade!”

L: Yeah

M: You know, whatever it is, it has to be bigger, better, faster, stronger or whatever than what it is that you said, when you know, you’re not starting this as a competition, but it’s almost like people see it as a competition, do you know?

L: Yeah, I call that “one-upmanship by proxy.”

[laughter]

L: I agree, it’s really annoying that no matter what…and you’re just making conversation…

M: OK

L: Just about simple things, umm…

M: Yes, exactly!

L: It can be anything, you could say, “Oh, I have a friend who went on a bicycle tour and rode from the northernmost point in Sweden to the southernmost point in Europe.” “Hah! That’s nothing! I know this guy who had a cousin, whose girlfriend who rode her bike around the world!” it’s like…

[laughter]

M: Yes! That’s…yeah! Yeah!

L: No matter what

M: If you ever meet that person, slap them! I hate that!

[laughter]

L: I know, it’s so…so annoying, ‘cause there’s some people who habitually just act that way, it doesn’t ma– I mean everyone might have an occasion to do that, just to make conversation, but there’s some people who habitually…

M: Sure.

L: …always have to say something to make them feel better, stronger, faster, even if it’s by proxy!

[laughter]

M: Yes, it’s someone else, they can feel proud of that, yeah!

L: Yeah! Oh…

M: It’s weird. So how about you, can you think of another one?

L: Uhhh…knee-jerk contrarians, what I like to call them.

M: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

L: And knee-jerk contrarians are those annoying, annoying people who no matter what you say to them, they always have to put some kind of negative slant on it, or disagree, or point out a flaw, or…yeah no matter what.

M: Mmm hmm.

L: And it’s always the same people, and it doesn’t matter what you say, they will always, almost like it’s a knee-jerk reaction.

M: They have to disagree by default

L: Yeah, yeah, the default is “no.”

M: OK

[laughter]

L: The default is “you’re wrong.”

[laughter]

M: Right, whate– the opposite of whatever it is you’re saying.

L: Exactly!

M: Oh wow.

L: And those people, it’s the kind of people who will just suck the life out of any type of team project or…any type of…

M: Ah yeah.

L: …collaboration you’re doing on the job.

M: It’s very negative isn’t it? Umm…

L: Yeah, healthy skepticism and…and criticism is…is good, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Some people are just negative to the bone!

M: Yeah I think you see a lot of that sort of stuff on the Internet, you know, with forums and that sort of thing, um.

L: Oh forums, they’re the spawn of evil.

M: [laughs]

L: Lowest common denominator.
M: Right!

L: Don’t even get me started, in fact I think this is a good place to stop, because it will only go downhill from here!

[laughter]

Final words

Thanks for listening to part one of “What pisses you off?” In part two, Michael and I walk you through some of the vocabulary used in the conversation, and present lots more idiomatic vocabulary that you can use to talk about annoyances, irritations, and frustrations. The full transcript is available on the website, www.uncensoredenglish.com, and you can email us at uncensored [AT] betteratenglish [DOT] com. Bye for now!
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